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Moshe, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these travel deductions. You listed ten trips to Israel for you and your wife."
"Oh, that?" the owner said smiling. "Well... we
also deliver."
Rhoda and Irwin, a retired couple living in Boca Raton , are getting
ready to go out to dinner.
Rhoda says, "Irwin, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?"
Irwin says, "Do I care?"
A few minutes later Rhoda says, "Irwin, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?"
Irwin says, "Who cares?"
A few more minutes pass and Rhoda says, "Irwin, love, shall I wear my five-carat pear diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?"
Irwin says, "Rhoda, I really don't care what you wear, but if you don't move your tuchas, we're going to miss the Early Bird Special.
Q. What's the difference between kosher dietary laws, and women?
A. You can understand women.
Two immigrants meet on the street.
"How's by you?" asks one.
"Could be worse. And you?"
"Surviving. But I have been sick a lot this year and it's costing me a fortune. In the past five months, I've spent over $10,000 on doctors and medicine."
"Ach, back home on that kind of money, you could be sick for two years."
Yiddish Proverbs
Jacob is one of the lucky ones because he's the only one of his family to have survived two years in a concentration camp. He's now nearing 90 and his only remaining joy is the national lottery, which he's been playing for years without success. But then he wins the big one, a prize of $10 million, and a journalist from the Times calls on him for a story.
Jacob tells him, "As I'm the only one in my family to have survived concentration camp, this has helped me decide how to make use of my large win. So I've decided to donate $5 million to the Save the Children Fund, $3 million to the Simon Wiesenthal Centre, $750,000 to the Jewish Museum, $750,000 Hadassah Hospital and $500,000 to be shared amongst my friends. I'm also thinking of donating $1 from my pocket to the Nazi party."
The journalist is surprised. "But Jacob, how can you think of donating even $1 to the Nazi party after everything that's happened to you and your family?"
Jacob rolls up his sleeve, points to his arm,
smiles and replies, "It's only fair. They gave me the winning
numbers."
My cousin Murray runs a pawnshop, I asked him to appraise my
grandfather's violin. "Old fiddles aren't worth much, I'm afraid," he
explained.
"What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?" I asked.
"If you're buying it from me, it's a violin. If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle."
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome . The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord.
The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."
The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says: "All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira. ($56)
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord.
The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. This time, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the Chief Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel
50!" ($0.42)
The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?"
The Rabbi smiles and says, "It's a local call."
Israeli leader Ehoud Olmert comes to Washington for meetings with George W. For the State Dinner, Laura Bush decides to bring in a special Kosher Chef and have a truly Jewish meal. At the dinner thatnight, the first course is served and it is Matzoh Ball Soup.
George W. looks at this and, after learning what it is called, he tells an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew.
The aide says that Mr. Olmert will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it.
Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all he ate sheep's eye in honor of his Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and retrieves a piece of matzoh ball and some broth. He hesitstes, then swallows, and a grin appears on his face. He finds that he really likes it and digs right in and finishes the whole bowl.
"That was delicious," he says to Olmert. "Do the Jews eat any otherpart of the Matzoh or just the balls?"
3-year-old Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
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After the baby naming of his sister in synagogue, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That Rabbi said he wanted us brought up in a Jewish home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bed time.
She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us from E-mail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to services,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in synagogue?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in synagogue.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in synagogue."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the synagogue and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Rogan 3, and Ryan 4. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If G-d were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be G-d!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did G-d throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
A few minutes before the synagogue services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, satan appeared at the front of the shul.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply. And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, " Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years.
How Jewish business handles Arab terrorists:
A fleeing al Qaeda guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the Iraqi desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.
The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy
a tie? They are only $5."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do
not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I
must find water first."
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.? If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for? "
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
The second kid replies, "Whoa, good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said, I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it.
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said- Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut.
The young man waited a moment and then replied, You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and everyone that I've studied had long hair.
The rabbi said, Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked.
In the year 2005, the L-rd came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".
Six months later, the L-rd looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard ...but no ark.
"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, L-rd," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!
When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, L-rd, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark." Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the L-rd. "The government beat me to it."
One day, the President's mother calls. "Mendel, tomorrow begins Passover, I want you should come and be with the family for Seder."
"But Mom, I'm the President of the United States. I can't get away. I've got too many things to attend to. Why don't you come here for the holiday?"
"No, it's too much trouble. I'm not so young anymore. I'd have to clean up the apartment, stop the newspapers, pack up...."
"Mother, I am the President. I'll send some of my staff and they'll take care of everything for you. You won't have to lift a finger."
"OK, but then I'll have to make a reservation on an airline and I know I'll never get one seat a day before Passover."
"But Mom, as I said, I'm the President of the US . I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and fly you into Washington. You'll travel better than First Class."
"OK, but I'll have to schlep my bags from the airport into the City; the taxi service in DC is horrible and I'm afraid of the subway."
"Mom, I'll have the Marine helicopter pick you up at Andrews and fly you directly here to the White House."
"Then I'll need a hotel room. They're expensive and you know how I hate hotels."
"Mother, you don't understand the resources I have, I'll arrange for you to stay here in the Lincoln Bedroom."
"Well, OK. I guess I'll come."
So it was settled. The President's mother was scheduled to leave for Washington the next morning to celebrate the eight days of Passover with her son and all the arrangements were made.
A few minutes after she hung up from her conversation with her son, her neighbor, Minnie, called, "So what are you doing for Passover?"
"I'm going to spend it with my son," replied the mother.
Minnie inquired, "Your son the doctor?"
"No, the other one."
All the mistakes in spelling and typing were left in. These announcements were found in shul newsletters and bulletins.
Even spell check wouldn't have helped.
1. Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.
2. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
3. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.
4. Thursday at, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers please see the rabbi in his private study.
5. The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.
6. A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community center. Music will follow.
7. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
8. Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.
9. Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
10. The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
11. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
12. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
13. If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!
14. The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fund raising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours."